Developing A Divine Feminine Energy: Doritos 0 456

Bianca Alexander, a renowned and prolific author on the subject of spirituality and host of the lifestyle TV show “Conscious Living,” writes in Spirituality & Health about both the progress and setbacks of “awakening the feminine divine” as a modern woman. If you look at everything Bianca Alexander has done, you would probably think that what she has to say in her article is pretty credible. I don’t know. I didn’t read all of it, because thanks to PepsiCo, none of it matters!

In an interview with Stephen Dubner on Freakonomics, Indra Nooyi, C.E.O. of PepsiCo, announced Pepsi’s plan to launch more ladylike chips. Dubner from Freakonomics, prompted the announcement with his GREAT understanding of the fundamental differences between men and women. Dubner “understand[s] that men and women eat chips very differently” and asked Nooyi to name some of the differences. Nooyi went on to acknowledge the fundamental differences between men and women in chip-eating, referencing her personal observations of young men with their Dorito-eating:

As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.

Nooyi remains hopeful but notes that there is much room for improvement regarding chip-eating for women:

For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.

Emma Perry, a peer and dear friend of mine, overall has little to no interest in the topic, but nonetheless has her own suggestions for the company: “less crunch, more taste.” Perry, however, does admit that in her personal experience, “the crunch don’t stop the party,” recalling that she and her softball team once ate “like 10” party-sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in “like one hour.”

Perry has her own idea for a tagline, too: “women, aren’t you tired of your munchies being heard everywhere you go?” She says that historically, the world of chip-eating has been very man-centric… and loud: “Man Doritos! The crunch heard’ round the world.” Perry cares deeply for her softball team and wants to make the chip-eating world a better place for everyone, regardless of gender. She thinks about the future and the next time her softball team eats “like 10” party-sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos. She envisions a future for her team wherein that kind of rapid mass consumption takes place in an environment free of crunch-induced shame. She feels this is crucial for heightened team-bonding to in women’s high school sports.

Note that while the quotes from Stephen Dubner and Indra Nooyi are unfortunately real, the whole of this article was purely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

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I'm a 16 year old women's rights activist from Fort Worth, Texas. I'm the founder and president of the feminist club at my high school and a writer for "Women's Republic." I volunteer my time to my community and local women running for office. I am passionate about ending Texas state legislation that is harmful to women.

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