Almost every desi comedian is known for their commentary on arranged marriage. In Western society, the whole concept seems so absurd. Why would anyone want to marry another individual that their parents thought was good enough for them? However, in reality, it’s not too bad.
First off all, it’s important to note that Hindu youth have grown significantly distant from their roots. While there may be many different ways to educate Hindu youth on their culture and religion, emphasizing the importance of arranged marriage is a step in the right direction with some assistance from Bollywood.
One of the main arguments against arranged marriage is the fact that it subjects women to a life with a partner she may not be compatible with. But don’t worry about that! Parents are always fully equipped with best priests in town to make sure that the stars align. No, literally these priests dedicate their careers to learning all about stars and horoscopes. Cosmo should take an internship with them.
If you feel like the marriage isn’t compatible don’t worry! You can always run off at the last second with your full wedding attire and a small bag on a sketchy train to a big city where you don’t have to worry about getting robbed in your jewelry that’s only worth $100,000. It’s not like the whole town will be buzzing for the couple of year on how you totally disrespected everyone but at the end of the day, your happiness is the only thing that counts!
Ladies, in order to connect back to your roots, it is essential for you to listen to your elders! They know what is best for you and what you should do to acquire the best suitor possible. Even if he is the most disrespectful man you have ever met, don’t worry about it, your elders know best. Even if you are completely confident and content with your appearance, don’t worry too much when your elders try to change everything about you. They know best. So, don’t hesitate to slather on multiple skin bleaching products and wax your whole body clean of any hair that isn’t supposed to be there. Don’t get too excited though.
Just because your whole body is waxed clean, doesn’t mean you can show off any of it.
Your body is meant for your man’s eyes and his eyes only. On that note, your body really isn’t yours either. Truthfully, it’s the family’s body cause honey if you’re not poppin out a boy, who really are you? Yeah it may be 2017, but how is a woman supposed to pass on the family name and traditions if she is not a man?
At this point you may be thinking, “Arranged marriage goes against my core beliefs as a feminist!!”. Think of it this way, are you really a true feminist if you can’t respect the immense history and culture behind Indian marriages? As a feminist, are you willing to give up your culture and everything you stand for? India has reached an epitome of criticism and if you can’t stand up for your country and what it stand for, are you truly an Indian let alone feminist?
Give into the patriarchy because as women, this is our role!
India wouldn’t have been able to reach our economic status without the intellectual prowess of our alcoholic men? It really doesn’t matter that many Indian men barely know how to cook rice and would eventually die without women in the household or that their memory is more extensive than an elephant’s. Your job is to simple bear a child and provide the husband with his needs. Your independence doesn’t really matter at this point.
Rebel all you want, but society cannot move forward if we don’t stick to traditional values.
How are we supposed to innovate if we cannot even connect to our roots and truly understand our culture? Accept arranged marriage and listen to your elders because in the end. Your opinion doesn’t really matter anyways.
** This is satire**