I’ve been writing in a journal every single night since I was 15 years old. I’m 18 now. It’s May 26, 2017, and I was writing in my journal for the night when something told me to go and read some of my old entries.
I usually don’t do that, only because I feel like I’m intruding on old thoughts. I feel like I’m reading someone else’s texts by looking over their shoulder or something like that. Also, sometimes when you see or read something from your past, the same feelings surface and you feel the hurt all over again.
That’s something that I go out of my way to avoid, (being hurt).
Regardless, I found an old entry that made my heart warm up.
This is it:
Now, I know what you’re thinking. It’s probably along the lines of, “What the hell? Why does that warm her heart? That’s so sad.” You’re right. It is sad. It’s because I was sad.
That month was probably one of the worst months in my life. That was the first time that I felt… numb. I won’t get into detail about what happened… but I never want to feel that kind of emptiness again. That sadness stayed in my heart for a long time. I was never truly happy. I would avoid my friends and I’d think that my boyfriend at the time hated me for no reason.
I felt nothing.
I felt like the world was against me and that it would never get better. There was a cloud above my head that followed me around and unlike Olaf, it wasn’t a good thing. (Shoutout to my Frozen fans!)
The good news? It got better.
It gets better.
As cliché as it sounds, life tears you apart just so the universe can put you together again. The universe broke me into a million pieces but put me back together and turned me into a flower. I fucking blossomed.
It’s been a year since I wrote that and I’ve grown so much. When I read that entry, I honestly can’t believe it. I can’t believe I used to hate myself as much as I did and I can’t believe that I was as sad as I was. It’s almost appalling because I wake up today and I feel like I can become anything. The person that I’ve become is exactly who I’ve always wanted to be.
I am beautiful.
I am a liberal.
I am a feminist.
I am an activist.
I am a journalist.
I am Marlyn, and most importantly, I am happy.
If you’re struggling, I just want you to know that it gets better. Whatever curveballs are being thrown at you, it’s okay. Pick your head up and remember that every day is a new day.
It gets better.
Positivity will come to those who seek it, so seek it out and the cloud will slowly fade.
Be your own sun.
Here are some cute little cartoons for you to start your journey: