Girl, let me start by telling you something. For too long, I put up with men that did not know what they were doing down there, if you know what I mean. After ages, I thought to myself, that’s it. I’ve had enough. So I started my path to sexual awakening. The path where I thought hey I want to start dating guys that care about my needs rather than focusing solely on their own. After all, it takes two to tango. ‘Radical’ notion, I know. Continue reading if you want to know how you too can find that sexual bliss!
(To note: this article will be discussing mainly heterosexual relations but the basic idea can apply to all orientations.)
Your Big Finish
In today’s day and age, an exciting sex-positive environment has been steadily growing in certain communities and I am here for it. This is marvelous news for women everywhere. It means people can speak more freely on their bodies, their wants, and their needs and say no to shame stigma to have an expressive discussion of female pleasure. Even with all these empowering movements and mindsets emerging there are still many who feel stifled when it comes to talking about sex. Unfortunately in many relationships, especially in heterosexual ones, there is a lack of communication of what it means to be fully sexually satisfied. This leaves many women unhappy and feeling trapped in a lackluster relationship. These are the same women that wonder every time they sleep with their partner: is today the day I finally get my Big O?!
I want women out there to unapologetically free themselves of any negative social constraints and understand that they are deserving of self-indulgence. In order to help women gain their much deserved sexual finale, I have compiled a list of methods to employ when talking to your partner about your needs. I urge women to take control of themselves and their happiness, guilt-free.
Mini History Lesson
First, let’s explore why we as women find it difficult to address sexual hang-ups with our partner. As per usual it’s the patriarchy, shocker there right?
A mini-history lesson: For too long there has been gender inequality, this leads to mismatched ability to raise sexual desire concerns. Due to this inequality, there has been a formulation of power dynamics in relationships, where it is seen as normalized for men to ‘want sex’ more than women. This allows cis-hetero men to have better acceptance in talking about their sexual escapades, any shortcomings in their partner, and such. This places the burden to bear on the shoulders of women to satisfy their male partner, or else it will be a negative reflection of their abilities as a woman. All a bunch of boo-hockey! (F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference please allow me guys).
How to fix this dilemma
Now let’s get into how to fix this! We need to evolve from being silent to opening a range of dialogues with our men. Accomplishing this will lead to increased sexual satisfaction and generally a healthier and more stable relationship, meaning more female empowerment as well! So two birds, one stone…you catch my drift.
However there are some shall we call it relationship barriers of entry? Aspects such as poor relationship quality, inadequate communication styles or different love languages can be a huge hindrance.
What’s the best way to have an open discussion?
Talk ladies, talk! Talk about what you do during sex and what it means: what you each want, what you like and what you dislike, when are the best times for sex, when you don’t want sex, what your fantasies are, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, and so on.
Having a positive affirming communication approach is the best, as in do not approach the subject with carelessness or wishing to point fingers, that will not do us any favors.
List of things to discuss with your partner: sexual behaviors, sexual sensations (e.g during foreplay), sexual fantasies, sexual preferences, the meaning of sex, sexual accountability, distressing sex, sexual dishonesty, and sexual delay performance (putting off sex).
I ask that you lay claim to your bodies and say what you want and what you need. Gone are the days we are silenced or embarrassed about wanting more.
After all this, I leave you with one final thought: if your partner cannot, or will not sufficiently have the sexual conversation that your mind and body needs..then are you really with the right partner? Drop him like a rock, sis. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and I guarantee you’ll find the one that prioritizes your needs better. Now go on and make your new and improved sexual debut!