A Letter To The One That Could Have Been 0 510

This is a letter. To the one who got away.
We’ve all been here. Some of us were the ones who got away, some of us had to watch the one get away. Some of us haven’t experienced it yet. Some of us know, deep within, we’ll always remember the one that got away.
This is for you.

You will never read this, I know. And i’ll never tell them of you. Of us.
I remember how lost I felt, in a sea of unknown faces.
I was new. So were you.
I was brown. So were you.
And then, we met.
Your voice sending a jolt to my heart.
And that was the start.

I remember your face.
I remember because i thought you were too beautiful
i knew you were damaged. that’s how we found each other.
You, damaged.
Me, barely making it through each day.
Do you remember?
You bought a pancake. I was starving. I had no allowance.
I resisted. I said no. You kept wanting to get me something.
yYu made me find us a seat, and you came back with two packets of waffles.
Not one.
No one had done that before for me.
Then you asked. You asked questions.
And i told you. everything, with such ease,
It felt like i was talking to an old friend.
And we never looked back from that day.

The bench that was mine,
You made a place for yourself too,
Under the tree.
The cigarette handing loosely from your fingertips,
You always sat there with me.
I would read Rumi, you’d entertain your friends.
But your eyes, never left me.
Everyone thought we were lovers, not friends.
I was alone, I didn’t want to rely on you.
I wanted to impress you. and through your stories,
You wanted to impress me too.
But i saw through. Because i knew.
What it was like to feel alone, no matter how many people surround you.

And you knew, I knew.
So we went everywhere together. And if we didn’t, our eyes always found each other.

You always made me laugh.
You always knew. I always wanted to ask, how.
How did you know? When my eyes grew dim, when my smile couldn’t reach my eyes.
How did you know? When my eyes were red, when i barely could breathe.
How did you know? When i couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.
And how did you know how to make me laugh?
You never pushed, never questioned. never made me feel like i was too sad, too lost, too broken.
You made me laugh. Always. You’d make fun of yourself, to see me smile.
And I remember the way you looked at me when you finally put a smile on my face,
As though everything was finally right again.
You never pushed, never questioned. never made me feel like i was too sad, too lost, too broken.

I remember the night. he tried forcing his way into my room.
I was alone. i was scared. he reminded me of my father. he was drunk. he was your friend.
You took him away. i heard you. shouting at him, telling him to stay away.
I remember how softly you spoke to me. how you worried, how you fussed.
I never felt that warmth before.
I also remember how you never ever spoke to him anymore.

You were the first person i showed my writing too. you told me i was crazy for sitting in class.
I was crazy to give it all up. you read everything,
You thought i was brilliant.
We could talk for hours. about the world. about you. about me.
About love, death, sadness and pain.
Or, we could sit in silence and yet,
It felt like we said more than we ever could.

But.
I started to lose you.
You found out.
I went back to him.
You wanted me gone. You shut me off.
I lost you. And i did not even know why.
You never came to the bench again.
Your eyes were everywhere but on me.
I knew. you knew.
I remember how it felt.
Losing you.
Because i still don’t know if i lost a friend
Or a lover.
Or perhaps, both.

So this is my letter to you. You have to know.
I almost made a home
out of you.
Your presence still lurks around
the corners of my heart,
the sound of your laughter
surrounding me.
The way your eyes
caress my lone, broken soul
and
I’m running
across seas,
just to forget
what it felt like,
sitting beside you.

But, you saw my soul.
I saw yours.
Our hands brushed,
just the way our hearts did.
But fate had other plans,
but i want you to know,
I loved you.

These words i write today,
wouldn’t exist.
If it weren’t for you,
the could have been.

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20 year old brown woman. In love with the arts, writing and words. A total chocolate and Bollywood addict.

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