Taking yourself to pound-town
Having a partner, or an FWB, or a one-night stand is overrated. All that work, effort, and time spent on someone who will most likely leave you unsatisfied and nursing a headache? Please. You know you’re Italian sausage and tangy taco better than anyone else.
Spend this extra time in quarantine, getting to know yourself even a little bit better. Explore and try some new things. Then once you get your nut in, realize the “hot” guy from work isn’t quite that hot. He just looked good that one horny Thursday.
My advice? Always remember to lock your doors. The last thing you want is an unwelcome audience member. Unless that’s your thing, in which case, leave that shit wide open for some added spice.
Saved by the quarantine
I’m not gonna lie, I could eat Italian food for the rest of my life and pretty much never get bored. Ravioli, lasagna, garlic bread, you name it. However, the idea of only doing doggy style or only doing reverse-cowgirl for the rest of my life sounds like my own personal hell.
So just imagine: you’re quarantining with your significant other. There’s nothing to do – but fuck (buttfuck, lol). Get the chains out, the handcuffs, tie each other to the fuckin’ backyard fence for all I care – just go crazy! Find some kinky shit and try it out. You finally have the time, and the last thing you want is stale sex. No one likes stale sex. End of discussion. Period.
My advice? If you’re gonna go the butt route… use lube. Always. Use. Lube.
I have seen your privates and now I never want to again
Honey, just because you’ve seen my privates doesn’t guarantee you’ll see them again.
I’m sure we have all felt this way at some point. Sure, we can admit that the sex was good. But maybe after an entire quarantine together, shit just got… old. Or maybe that one-night stand was enough to let you know their morning breath was never gonna be something you could get used to – time to split!
So. How do I (we) say this without sounding like a dick… I need a new resident to reside themselves in the glories that are my privates. Damn, that was too harsh, wasn’t it? Please erase the image of my treasure box from your mind as I try to erase the image of your “finishing” face from mine. Shit, this isn’t going well. Whatever, they’ll get the point.
My advice? If the thought of doing them makes you drier than the Sahara or softer than uncooked bacon, it miiiiight be time to call it quits.
Do me through the phone
Ah, phone sex – the modern-day love letter. You could be in a long-distance relationship and are in desperate need of some “rest and relaxation.” Or you could be quarantined with a partner and are simply just tired of seeing their face. Like your Zoom chemistry class, except while both will leave you exhausted and drained, the phone sex will make sure you’re stimulated both intellectually and physically.
Essentially what’s happening is an erotic audiobook reading of 50 Shades of Grey, but instead of whips and chains, you get breathy whispers and some mildly mediocre dirty talk. Catch my drift?
And if you’re in a long-distance relationship, I’m sure this isn’t your first time getting freaky over the phone. Don’t be afraid to try some new things, play out a fantasy, or even just change up the location you’re calling from.
My advice? Don’t be afraid to stroll around while on the phone, this way you get the chance to have sex on every surface of your apartment.
The glory of holes
Now I bet you thought I was going to talk about the various holes you can explore during sex, didn’t you? Like the one you use to eat, the one that produces babies, and the one that helps clean out the body. All good options, of course. But, you’re wrong.
But, I have a question: do you know what says hot and sexy these days? Kissing through one of those light blue face masks. Damn. All that hot air in your face and cloth in your mouth – would make anyone horny. Do you know what’s even better? Getting freaky from a distance. Let’s say… six feet? It’s erotic. Sexy. Different. I guess you could say these days the only real way to get freaky with the glory of your various holes would be to use a glory hole…
My advice? If you happen to come across what you suspect to be a glory hole, do NOT use it. This was a joke.
Nudes are an art
The title says it all! For someone who hasn’t taken one before, the idea can be daunting. Or maybe you have taken some, but they never felt… perfect.
Geez, how many times have you cramped trying to bend a certain way for that perfect angle? Or got nervous because you heard someone approaching your room? You’re not alone.
The questions are, though: Do you go for freaky and just whip it out in the middle of class? Maybe a quick slip to the bathroom? Do you excuse yourself from the function to find somewhere isolated?
Really it’s all about how willing you are to live life on the edge…and how much time you have in those elicited areas.
I mean, you’ve had about six months of quarantine. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t take at least one nude, perfect one position, or fill at least one album with some pictures to use later.
Use your time wisely. (Let’s face it, you weren’t actually going to watch those asynchronous lectures anyway.)
My advice? A good picture makes a good nude. Angles, lighting, setting, and the vibe – it’s all important!
Your homework tonight is porn
Do not underestimate the power of studying. You wouldn’t go into a test not having read at least some of the material, right? Well, unless you wanted to fail.
You have a partner, or you’re single, or you’re looking to please yourself in some new fun ways, well, your answer: porn. It’s like the unspoken guru of the sex community. Mmmm… it’s like the Michael Jordan of the sport of sex. No. It’s the god-damn Beyonce of making your privates sing. You get it.
Anyway, do yourself a favor and grab some popcorn, search around for some new shit, grab a pen and paper, sit back, relax, and take some notes. Your partner, future partner, or your own damn privates will thank you – trust me.
My advice? Use an incognito tab, my friend. Just the smarter move. Happy watching!
While talking about sex is fun, let’s get serious for a moment.
It is important to remember the importance of consent – both given and received. Consent is given by free will and taken back by free will. No one should ever feel pressured, coerced, or physically pushed into giving consent. Consent is an essential part of any intimate relationship, and without it, boundaries are broken, and lines are crossed.
Just remember that if someone hasn’t said yes, it is a no. If you have not asked, do not assume they are comfortable with whatever it is.
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