Disclaimer: When I say “men” or “women,” I mean cis people who were born in “male” or “female” bodies and now have the social role and psychological identity of a “male” or “female.”
What have we been made to believe so far about sex? Think about pop culture. Think about all the movies, all the songs and all the racy magazines that we have come across in our limited experience on this planet.
I can tell you something I believed :
(1) Men want sex constantly. Like all the time. They just want to keep going on and on and on. And on. Hence, when they don’t want it, women believe that there’s something wrong with them.
(2)Women’s sexuality was viewed as men’s sexuality but as a beta version- basically the same but not as good.
Men have a varying level of libido. When I infiltrated a couple of subreddits, a whole new world opened up to me. There were all these terms being thrown about- HL(High Libido), LL(Low Libido) and it applies to both men and women. Women take it very personally when their partner’s libido dips. It’s because we have been conditioned- “hello it’s sex- he’s a guy-he should always want me”
The trope which we are trying to slay puts the entire onus of amazing sex on the guy. They are supposed to initiate and it’s their responsibility to make it amazing for women. If the sex is not amazing, it’s the man’s fault(??). Due to this, both genders have a dip in self-esteem and when has that ever been a factor for a happy sexual life.
Women often experience subconscious compulsion- feeding into their darkest thoughts and this more often than not leads to finding perceived problems in your body. We believe that we are lacking- that we’re not “skinny” enough or “curvy” enough or have those perfect dimples in your lower back. All the Woods have us duped- Hollywood, Bollywood, etc. No one looks like that. Hell. They don’t even look like that. You see them with their perfect cheekbones and gorgeous hair but you should also see a team of makeup guys, hairdressers, nail experts, and whatnot.
There is a horrifying trend of male porn addicts uninterested in sex with partners. Porn created a distorted view of what sex is and its place in a relationship. The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity estimates that 6 to 8% of Americans — or 18 million to 24 million people — are sex addicts. And 70% of sex addicts report having a problem with online sexual behaviour.
Most of the cases which I went through had men being rejected by women and in turn, they usually respond in this way: they try to placate their partners- usually by helping out more at home, make more money, be more emotionally present in the hopes that their denier will respond in the way they want. The thing about stereotypes is that they are harmful. There is no guide on how to deal with people. People are diverse. Your relationships vary with various people. There are a million dynamic factors involved. So how is there a surefire way to go about it?
Wanting to is a major part of being able to. As long as you acknowledge the problem, you are already a million steps towards solving it.
There is this whole field of professionals dedicated to solving these very type of problems- Sex therapists. They help people get comfortable in exploring their sexuality- what they want and need, making sure to communicate the same, get over hangups, expressing their sexuality and be able to give their partners what they want and need. If you’re not able to afford sessions and are thinking you need some, please find somebody who works on a sliding scale and find out what part of your insurance covers these sessions, if they do.
Despite our culture’s vested interest in making us feel dysfunctional, broken, unattractive and unlikeable, we are in fact capable of loving our bodies and having confident, joyful sex. We have to shred cultural ideals. Shred the notion that women aren’t supposed to NOT like sex. We will not lie back and think about England.