Adulthood is burdensome when you’ve had a childhood filled with sorrow. Some children grow up with abusive parents while others grow up as orphans. Some children grow up being bullied while others grow up surrounded by those who are emotionally clingy. It saddens me to see children talk about how richly colorful or sumptuous their school life and teenage years were. Trauma doesn’t happen to everyone. Not everyone is that unlucky.
When they talk about how many memories they made, and the number of friends they had, I envy them, the ones who speak of their past without grief consuming their hearts. The ones who did not have to live their lives continually walking on eggshells. Growing up, I formed a defense mechanism, leaving people before leaving me, abandoning people before they abandoned me. Walking through my life’s chaotic journey, I found comfort in books, poems, and creating words.
The children who had been through emotional trauma find their solace in art, poetry, music, or drugs. And that is what I did. I found my solace in creating words sitting at my house’s terrace at 3 a.m, writing poems no one might read, but inscribing my heart’s feelings unto the pages of my diary lifted the burden off of my heart and made me feel at ease. No one knows how lonely it is to grow up without a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. Trauma can be difficult to deal with, especially when you’re lonely.
No one knows how tough it is to go through life, seeing people forming amazing friendships and relationships with those around them, but you are still struggling because your past keeps triggering you. It is not easy to move on, forget, and change your life all at once. I have realized that not everyone has had a happy childhood, including me, and I am not ashamed of admitting that.
I am proud of it because it made me who I am; it made me stronger; it made me not rely on anyone else or run to someone for comfort. I might not have the courage to form lasting relationships with those around me, but I have myself. And that is all I need. That is all I would ever need. And so do you. Just because your childhood was terrible does not mean your adulthood would be as well.
As the years pass by, and seasons change, you will learn to create your little world, a place devoid of any grief, where no one resides except you, because your painful childhood has taught you to be a soulmate of your own. Just because you suffered in the past does not mean you deserve to suffer your entire life. As time passes by, you will learn to romanticize the little things in life. You will learn to celebrate your academic accomplishments. You will learn to embrace yourself on a lonely Friday night watching the raindrops from the window panes realizing no matter how much grief resides in your heart; life is still beautiful.
Your future will be better than your past. And as the years pass by, you will realize that you are not what has happened to you, you are who you are now, and you are just a flawed human being like everybody else in this world. One day, you will realize, despite having a bad childhood, you deserve to be happy. Because all of that exists in the past, it was just a chapter of your story; it shouldn’t define the rest of your life.
Love always,
Eman.
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