I rarely talk about the things I’ve been through. But I’ve realized, to move on, I would have to acknowledge my past. I would have to acknowledge the pain I’ve been through. If I don’t accept my scars, if I don’t accept my traumatic past, how will I be able to move on? How will I be able to attain stable and healthy relationships in the future? If I don’t acknowledge my sadness, how will I be able to experience joy?
I believe that each one of us goes through something at one point in our lives that devastates us and changes us completely. For me, it was my first relationship that lasted for four years. I was a sixteen-year-old girl in love – or so I thought I was.
What happens when the most handsome boy in school asks an outcast out for a date night at the cinema? She hurriedly agrees. And that is exactly what happened to me. I was that teenager who sought to escape reality. They say that when a child grows up without feeling the warmth of love, they learn to lick off affection from a knife. I learned to embrace love, ignoring the bruises and scars it inflicted on my soul, heart, integrity, and dignity.
I hurriedly accepted his mistakes when he said he was sorry for cheating, even though I couldn’t see an ounce of guilt in his eyes as he gazed at me with the very same eyes he gazed at another woman with passion. I did not know. I was only sixteen.
The same hands that held me held her too.
The same lips that kissed me kissed her too.
The same heart that loved her loved me not.
The same words he uttered to me, he said them to her too.
I thought people always meant what they said. I was gullible, even when he said that the ‘I miss you and I want to see you tonight’ text he sent to his ex was just a mistake.
From a young age, girls are taught to believe “men will be men.” It has been engraved in our minds to remain silent against unfaithful partners because men will be men, right?
Just give him what he wants, because men will be men, and if he cheated on you, it’s probably your fault. If only you were pretty enough, he wouldn’t have cheated on you in the first place.
For four years of my life, I accepted less than I deserved. I allowed people to walk all over me because I was too scared to let them go. I was scared that I might end up alone. I was scared of loneliness, and I was scared of the grief separation might cause on my heart.
As human beings, we are always conditioned to believe in fighting for the ones we love. But I wish someone would have told me not to fight for so long. It might end up tearing apart your heart.
I do not write this article to gain sympathy, nor do I wish for you to praise me. All I want is for you to realize that love is not meant to cause you pain. Love is gentle. Love is home. If you are reading this, this is your sign to let go of that toxic person, partner, spouse, or ex. Living alone for twenty years is better than living with someone who causes you nothing but grief and sorrow. My past relationship caused me PTSD. The walls around my heart have been built so high. I find it extremely difficult to trust people now.
And if I hear someone say “Men will be men,” I tell them “No, men will not be men. Men will be held equally responsible for the actions they do. Your gender does not give you a free pass to infidelity or being unfaithful to your partner.”
Healing is not an overnight process. It takes immense courage and resilience to pass through the lonely nights. It takes courage to not go back to the same person who broke you. It takes strength to realize that the same person who is the root of all your pain can never be the person to give you love. It took me so many lonely nights to realize that the person I have been looking for all my life has been none other than me, all along. I was strong enough to let him go, and I was strong enough to heal. What helped me through my journey towards recovery? Writing.
I’d sit in the corner of my room till 3 a.m and inscribe the words of my heart unto the pages of my diary, till my heart felt lighter and tears dried away. I’d read poetry from writers who felt the same pain as me, and I’d create fictitious characters who resonated with me.
I believe that human beings have a lot of love to give. However, some of us are unfortunate enough to give it to the wrong people, and in the end, it leaves us broken. I know that I am a very loving person. I can understand other’s pain and sorrows. And I used my love to help others. Believe it or not, there are a lot of people in this world who need your love. Go to an orphanage. A child might need the love of a parent, one they’ve been devoid of all their lives. Go to an adult home, people who are barely seventy and breathing the last moments of their lives would want to have someone keep them company during their final moments. I used my love to love the ones inflicted with the punishment of loneliness and depression. Whether it was lending an ear to a friend suffering from mental health crises or spending my spare time volunteering at the local animal shelter, I used my love for those who actually needed it.
I will not say that I have healed completely. There are days when I feel as lost as a seagull in the deep ocean waves, and there are days when I feel as lonely as a full moon in an empty night sky. But, amidst everything going on, I still manage to hope.
I once came across a quote on Instagram that said, “You never know what tomorrow might bring.” and that faith keeps me going every single day of my life. I never know what tomorrow might bring. I still have a lot of people to meet, I still have a lot of books to read, I still have a lot of things to accomplish, and a lot of people to inspire. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Life is like a piano. The black keys represent sadness, and the white keys represent joy. Without sadness, there will be no music in life. In order to feel happiness, we must also experience grief. In order to appreciate the good parts of life, we must endure moments of utter despondency. And just like the good times have passed away, the bad ones will too. The power of hope is such that it can make a person go through the toughest of moments of their lives with a smile.
No matter how difficult today might seem, there is always tomorrow. We never know what tomorrow holds,
life is so,