The 3rd Of July: COGNIZANCE 0 209

Have you ever gone to the extent of completely losing yourself trying keep people around you happy? Accepting people pop into your life as many times as they wanted to despite the fact of the number of times they’ve wronged you? Tried to fix a broken friendship over and over again simply because you couldn’t see a person’s toxic behavior as a result of being overly kind and wanting the best for them as much as you do for yourself? Defended a person to the extent as a result of which you ended up being totally embarrassed because at the end they turned out to be the exact same person people tried warning you about? Felt so easygoing and so badly wanted a change because you simply couldn’t handle the damages and consequences of being too kind, easygoing, forgiving and wanting the best for each and everyone you’ve met throughout your life regardless of how badly they’ve treated you?  

Well, I can relate. I can list more of those uneasy situations many of you’ll relate to yet it’s just going to make this post more depressive and boring, I’m sure. Which is not the exact thing I’m trying to deliver to all of you who are reading this today.

Cognizance’ is another term for Knowledge, awareness, and realization. In a sentence and according to this article of mine, it means the awareness of one’s own worth, the realization of how rare one’s own positive vibes, words of encouragement, loyalty, support, presence are and the precise knowledge about how not everyone deserves it. I know many women out there suffering from depression, low self-confidence, low self-esteem and low levels of cheeriness in their lives and no, you’re not alone.

Let me tell you about how much I suffered just to find the person I lost during my teenage years, the real ME. Well, I’m still a teen yet unfortunately during the last year of my teenage-life I realized a lot about how important it is to protect yourself from depression and devastating life events and most importantly about how it all begins from within YOU, YOUR ways of life and YOUR perception of YOURSELF (Self-perception).

A year or two ago, I used to be bipolar, honestly speaking of which many of my friends and family members started asking me questions about if I was okay, like really, really okay or If something related to my work or studies was stressing me out for which I always keep on switching between being happy for a second and depressed the next.

There wasn’t any time gap sort of thing but I used to always, ALWAYS end up disappointing one or the other and best believe me, during those two years, attending my classes and sitting for my examinations were a battle between my heart and mind. Above all of what I was going through with the feeling of depression, the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of wanting to be happy but can’t, not knowing the reason to WHY and WHAT exactly was the root of all these WAS an inexplicable, ugly, uneasy feeling that I will never be able to forget for at least another 10 years because that’s how much I suffered with it all ALONE, just by myself. Not that no one noticed or willed to help but because for some reason I just didn’t open up to anyone except at the end when I did seek a little of my mother’s help and it actually helped.

She didn’t advise me or something, nor did she take me to a therapist but simply listened to me. Listened to each and everything that was going on at that particular point of my life and one of my favorite lines of her advises was:

Nothing is impossible, yes but for certain situations and people in our life, impossible is the only response

I would be a liar if I told you I listened to everything, every piece of advice she gave me but funny how at the end, that was it. I came to a conclusion of no matter how bitter it sounded at first, it was a fact. What mum actually told me was the truth, bitter truth to be more specific. It all looks hilarious and stupid when I look back at everything I used to do and feel but I tell you, it took me a lot of courage and cost me a lot of people, opportunities and time to get through that phase of anxiety. I know “Get over that”, “Don’t think about that”, “Just forget about it” etc. are all easier said than done for people with anxiety or depression. Yet, let me assure all of you that once you learn about yourself, your purpose and your actual aim and goal in this life, everything is just going to amuse you and you will automatically start going “Oh, who cares?” about each and everything that tries to distract you from being happy or feeling content and happy with whatever is happening in your life; and the only way that is going to happen is when you:

  1. Find out who you are, your worth, your capability and what makes you happy: NEVER put your happiness in a person and that’s exactly where most of the people out there are wrong. Family, kinship, friendship, or even while in a relationship, never expect your happiness from another individual, another human being,

  2. Figure out your own weaknesses: NEVER allow somebody’s opinion about you affect your happiness or peace. Weight, height, color, being stubborn, assuming, insecurity sort of weaknesses are all common between people, it’s just that many are good at accepting themselves and bettering themselves with age and experience. Know that FIRST, you need to accept your own flaws keeping in mind that nobody is perfect and their acceptance towards their own imperfections is the first step to love and respect yourself and then comes the next to how others’ opinion matters. Like I’m an over-thinker, I overthink a lot and come to stupid conclusions, not saying it’s good YET the minute I accepted my own flaws myself, others’ opinion stopped bothering me whereas before accepting it myself, I used to feel so offended when someone mentions my weaknesses, asking me to correct myself and all that.

  3. Get rid of your fears: We all have fears and not everybody admits it. Admit it and get over them. Be it swimming on the river bank, seeing a scary movie or even more complicated ones like losing somebody you never thought you could live without and letting go of a friend because he/she isn’t reciprocating the same efforts as you are into the friendship. Keep in mind, losing somebody could be a fear only until you go a month without actually interacting with them and then it becomes a habit. One really gets used to things pretty fast no matter how hard it may seem at the beginning but in time, you definitely get used to it. Also If they really cared, they’d come looking for you, if not, that loss was a GAIN, congratulations. Many of them out there still fail to understand that if you don’t face your fears and rise up, your fears will take over you and control your emotions as well as your life. Give up already, just get over them with COURAGE.

These 3 are the keys to pulling yourself together and getting rid of anxiety when you are shattered into a million pieces. Well, that’s how I got over the shittiest phase of my life all alone. Yes, I did lose so many people, some as a consequence of my changes and some on purpose. You know, one of the hardest feelings is walking away or getting rid of a friendship that you so badly wanted BUT you realized that it’s taking you nowhere great in life but is destroying your inner-peace.

Free your mind from ‘No, I can’t do that; I might come off rude’ and then pay attention to your mind about who exactly is good for your mental health and growth. That’s when you will get a clear answer to how you can improve yourself and the type of people you should surround yourself with. In my case, it was the people that understood the elements of life that no amount of money could buy such as time, support, encouragement, consistency, clarity, loyalty, honesty, and above all love, the sort of love that comforted, consoled me and the one where I knew I could totally count on them for anything and everything. It’s easier said than done, yes BUT once it’s done, NOTHING can ever break you or ruin your peace of mind – mark my words.

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XIX \\ A Ceylonese buoyant busybee, voicing my opinion about how never giving up on one's goals just because of one's own gender or other people's opinion is as important as never trading respect for one's attention.

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