Everyone knows that your choice of lipstick describes your entire personality, life goals, career choices, the type of man you are after and what you had for breakfast last Tuesday. And if you didn’t already know what subconscious signals you were sending out to the universe with your choice of facial decor, the internet is just chock full of listicles breaking it down for you. So here today, just for you feminists, is a very special Patriarchy Smasher edition of that old classic, ‘What Your Lipstick Says About You.’
Mauve
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: Your luxurious and mysterious, sophisticated and feminine. You want to take charge, but you don’t want to be pushy about it.
What you really mean: You want to lull the patriarchal bastards into a false sense of security so you can create a coup from within.
Pink
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You are innocent. You are untouched. You are virginal. But you’d quite like not to be…
What you really mean: You are gathering material for the latest #MeToo report and this creepy prick is going down!
Hot Pink
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You are outgoing, energetic, bubbly. But you’re also attention seeking, confusing and off-putting to men. You need to settle down.
What you really mean: You want them to be so confused by the mixed signals your lips are giving that they are too tired to throw out casual sexist comments.
Coral
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You love the outdoors. You love the environment. You’re footloose and fancy-free and want everyone to know it.
What you really mean: You do indeed love the outdoors. In fact, you love it so much you want to lock all the men indoors and never go back in again.
Taupe
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You are orderly. You are dependable. You are wholesome. You are…boring.
What you really mean: You are not up for sex so stop fucking asking.
Plum
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You are a bold rebel with a unique sense of style (just you and the other thousands of women who bought the same lipstick). You love music and festivals and are “one of the guys.”
What you really mean: You are infiltrating the lad groups so when they’re all sleeping you can send screenshots of the horrific things they say to women online to their mums.
Bright Red
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: YOU ARE A WANTON SLUT WHO USES YOUR BODY TO GET MEN TO DO THINGS FOR YOU
What you really mean: You are totally willing to use your body…to body slam any man who disrespects you.
Dark Red
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You’re sexy but mature, fun but sophisticated. You love vintage fairs, cocktails in long glasses and making men grovel at your feet.
What you really mean: You couldn’t find a bright red that you liked.
Nude
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You have zero interest in sex.
What you really mean: You have zero interest in sex…with any man who believes lipstick has anything to do with sexual availability.
Violet
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You’re the loyal friend, the confidante and mediator in every group. You’re the one who will always be there to hear their problems and to shag when they’re desperate and then go back to being friends in the morning.
What you really mean: You’re calm, cool and confident. You are ready to reign as queen of the universe. Men will rue the day they used the term friend zone in front of you.
Blue
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You’re a free spirit, an unorthodox lover of colour, a fashion front-runner who wants to stand out but be approachable.
What you really mean: This is a way adult you can play dress up every day. Rock n roll.
Black
What the patriarchy thinks you mean: You’re a loner. You are sending a signal that you want to be left alone. You are unwilling to compromise. You are not interested in ever getting a man.
What you really mean: Yup, pretty much.
