Have you ever waited for a decision that could change your life? The way it would have further pursued? Ever wondered about the complexes anxiety produces because of the fear of upcoming failures? Honestly, thinking about overcoming certain hurdles and finally making our way to accomplish our goals gives me chills. Fear of Failure is a thing, and I hate to admit it, but I do not like failing. The anxiety that comes along with a competition and the result of it is just enough trouble I can withstand.
Frankly speaking, I was devastated when I realized I didn’t get a place in my school’s council, and the sadness that came along with it just never left. It’s been more than a year since then, and yet here I am, with as much sadness as I had that day. We always hear about how grief comes in waves. It makes a big difference by staying and sometimes by not staying. However, after this devastation, I realized how my anxiety comes in waves too. My anxiety was on the topmost level the day before the result, the moment before the result, and as well as after the result. It sounds easy, but it was not. I had to handle my anxiety, control it because I was among my classmates. I was not supposed to “make a scene” in front of people.
The poet in me can always form a poem titled “conversation with my anxiety.” The body of the poem would have nothing but:
“me: i don’t like your existence
my anxiety: i don’t like you“
As long as I can figure out the way to calm myself after every big result announcement, I’m good to go. I might lose or win, but the capturing of my anxiety is the most significant deed I have to master. My anxiety is a shadow, and now and then, it lingers behind me. As a poet, I tend to write poems about what I’ve been through. So many of my poems stem from raw interactions with my anxiety.
In any case, none of the poems have made me accept the very fact that failures will continue to find me on my way to accomplishing my goals. I believe my fear of failure stems from my anxiety, but then sometimes it feels like my anxiety stems from my fear of failure. However, it is always a mess. There’s no conclusion to this article, just like my anxiety.