My dear heterosexual, cisgender friends…I know how thou long to join us in the forbidden lands of the LGBT+ community. Alas, thou art resigned to heteronormativity, and missionary sex once per moon. But fear not, brave one. I am here to guide thee on the path of righteousness, towards a land of hope, and unity.

To aid thee in thine trials to reach this colorful Avalon…to have a slim hope of being accepted into the loving bosom of the LGBT+ community, as a squire – nay! An ally! One must first overcome the Sisyphean task of thine unfortunate prejudice.

Hopeful one, I shall show thee the way. Thine first task is to change the very way thou doest speak. Thine diseased tongue shall be stripped away, to be replaced with the balm of light and harmony. The Rainbow Council has compiled a list of  circumstances wherein one unfortunate word is forbidden from passing thine lips. As their representative, I shall allow thee to partake of our knowledge.

Onwards, for justice! Love! And not making thine LGBT+ friends uncomfortable!

  • Repeating somebody else saying f*ggot. Curiously, a slur remains a slur no matter how far removed thine art from the real homophobes.
  • At times, cishet boys and men witness something truly disturbing. When thine male friend dents their fragile masculinity, and by association, thine own, the middle school urge to call thine friend a f*ggot becomes impossibly strong. Resist! And attain a higher level of being.
  • To harass and attack LGBT+ people. Calling a trans-woman minding her own business a f*ggot? One point that seems common sense, but is often elided in the battle for naïveté. Surely there is a better use of thine time, young squire.
  • In a hopeful, but misguided attempt to claim that indeed, thou doest get it. Perhaps even to complain about its prevalence! Indeed, a slur’s lasting power is something to decry. But perhaps…not by using the slur.
  • When making a flimsy point about queering heterosexuality. Do not foray into this dark art! Calling oneself oppressed does not make it so.
  • Upon further reflection, the Council recommends that thou wouldst never use f*ggot, no matter the many, mildly compelling excuses thou might sacrifice upon our altar.

Go forth, squire! And spread the knowledge thou have gained to all in the land.