Window Shopping: The Modern Woman 0 900

Frankly, it’s nothing more than supply and demand.

Men want what they want, and it is simply in our best interest to maintain high customer satisfaction rates. A topography of molded plastic and voluminous silicone, the woman provides for every brush-stroked, lust-soaked need of man. Plus, as a versatile multi-purpose instrument, she can play any tune to your liking. Need a freshly-baked warm meal every five minutes because you forgot how to boil water?  Need a mute punching bag to absorb all those bad days at work? Need a comforting pat on the back for every life-altering mistake you commit?

Fret not, the woman is exactly what you need. There is no need she cannot satisfy, no worry she cannot ease. She never forgets that the customer is always right.

To select the most well-adapted product for your individual desires, feel free to glance in from your side of the threshold, beyond the thick-filamented glass barrier. Leer in, smudge the crystalline clarity with your grubbed-up, ink-dripped fingers as your eyes catalog all that women have to offer. Tall women, short women or curvy women, lean women, dark-skinned, light-skinned – all available per your request.

Some are even equipped with a special feature to spawn your own creation. Simply by pressing a few buttons, inputting certain variables, and doing the math, you can create your very own, limited edition child. The offspring can then live the custom-made life you desire for it and bask in the trailing, hollow shadows of your un-repented misdoings as it never quite sees the light until it becomes too late. Bearing your dignity and carrying your name, this receptacle of command is a two(or more)-in-one deal you simply cannot pass up.

Of course, the purchasing of products is a try-before-you-buy system. Can’t risk ruining credibility by selling shoddy goods, so inspect her for defects, compass her body for any imperfections to tame, dissect her all parts until they all adhere to your law. The merchandise only runs for its real worth, and we will always hold our products to the highest and most unattainable of double standards.

Now, let’s talk numbers. The capital’s value relies purely on its numerical supremacy. The golden ratio, phi, is equal to 1.618 and, mathematically, determines the divine facial proportions to maximize aesthetics. All products’ faces bear a homogeneous holiness that is plain enough to satiate your voracious eyes but forgettable enough to move on from in a hummingbird-heartbeat. An ideal hip-to-waist ratio cannot vary from 0.67 to 0.8 or she risks displeasing the customers, so she never ever strays from the sanctimonious beauty of conformity. You mustn’t forget depreciation, either; they say nothing gold can stay, and they’re right. The longer the product is put to use, the quicker her value disintegrates until she no longer serves any purpose. Lifetime warranties guarantee continuous, identical replacements for every instance the product’s golden shimmer fades into a sickly straw yellow, failing to maintain its pre-imprisonment glow- a pity, really.

So stop on by and take a nice long look around. Travel around the store from woman to shining woman, like an ambivalent traveler conquering and delighting in beautiful, exotic cities before remorselessly pillaging them and leaving their skeleton remains to dust. If you want to touch, to view, to feel all the sweepingly smooth contours and sweetly sculpted sinews of the merchandise without investing a single cent – that’s alright. It’s only window shopping, after all.

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